Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Randomize
