I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
