You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
