i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
