I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
