Who wears a wallet chain?!
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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