my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
