Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Randomize
