I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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