I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
