He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
