I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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