I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
