90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Randomize
