She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
