i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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