I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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