Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
