I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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