i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
