matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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