I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
