College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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