I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
