Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Do you still have your period?
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize