Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
