i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Randomize
