Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
