We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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