This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
