the condom got lost in my hair
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
