A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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