My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
