I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Randomize