A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I need to stop coming to work sober
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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