Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
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