Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
