SEEEEXXX PLEASE
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Randomize
