i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
