so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
