I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Dignity is for republicans.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
