there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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