I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
