How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
