Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
