I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
