break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
