I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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