In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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