dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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