Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
