cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
