remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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