just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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