so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
He did a backflip because drugs
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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