It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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